Fox News on the scene (eventually) | 15th April 2011 | 16:04 PDT

“Oh my god, that is so so cool!” someone said
“Jesus, that is like, totally amazing” another said
“Oh my god is that a real whale?” said a third

Whatever was going on, it seemed to god damn massive and on a biblical scale and by my location on the pier, it must be something to do with action around the water and you'd be fooled if you thought it was an American paddling if you judged what was going on from the third exclamation (a low blow, I know)

That whale is there somewhere

What it actually was, was a seal (not a whale, though easy to get the two confused) that was really close to the shore having a bit of a laugh by playing around with the land-lubbers. This seal get huge kudos as he was catching a few waves and surfing with some kids and generally content.

Or he was struggling to escape the tide and will die of exhaustion, still everyone involved had a whale of a time.

Fox News appeared in the chopper hovering over the scene about an hour after the event, when the seal and everyone else had left to go back home and get some dinner.

Seagulls: Bigger than Fox News

Composed: Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica

Need New Name, Need New News | 14th April 2011 | 12:12 PDT

Rupert? Rubert? We don't give a shit, just buy our coffee!

I have a very difficult decision to face as my name doesn't exist here, well it does but they've replaced 'P' with a 'B' and I wouldn't normally mind but the film Dirty Rotten Scoundrels has somewhat tainted the fine reputation American Rupert has... Luckily though I don't have to sigh and await abuse/obvious comments when I have to give my surname as the poncey cartoon bear from The Express newspaper as thankfully her can't swim across the pond.

I've had so many names over the years and as my brother calls me, Captain Identity Crisis Kid, I doubt that will change any time soon, perhaps 'Bear', being the symbol of California could be a winner. I'll no doubt panic next time someone asks for my name and blurt out a name called Wayne Winchester III, I'll see what works next time I am asked.

Californian flag and look, it has a bear.

So, the news here, as in the coverage of the new, and this is not uncommon knowledge, is that it is crap and just an extension of entertainment. From memory it has gotten worse since I was here last, a few examples being this news report on work hours – “Which Country Works More Hours Than Anyone Else”.

They only showed the top 3, in third place was somewhere like India. In second place was China. First place, was blanked out. I had to wait for the commercials to find out the answer...

“So, which country work longer and harder than anyone else in the world, it's not America, we didn't make it in the top ten. The hardest working nation that works harder than America and everyone else is... Mexico. They work harder than China, Japan and America. Back after these messages”

After those messages it got better, they've turned this informative entertainment into something interactive and fully customisable. One of their special features was the ability to text in what report you would like to see, obviously a new idea to this station as the selection wasn't important news, but still stuff they felt the need to record with the intention of broadcasting it on the news.

They showed the winner after an hour of voting with hard-hitting articles to choose from like:
Text A to hear about a homeless people's bake off, without a kitchen?
Text B to see a woman's entire collection of nasal hair
Text C to to watch a dog lick itself for 5 minutes

I hope it gets a good response, I like to see it be developed further into something like:
Text A to hear about the volcano at Yellowstone Park that is hours away from erupting
Text B to learn about the new virus that could wipe out California that's being dubbed “National Lampoons: Back to the Plague Part II, with a Vengeance”
Text C to have live footage of the axe murdering burglar, robbing your house right behind you.

Results in an hour.

Pen down and time to relax outside and listen to the busking blues player on the promenade

Composed: Starbucks, 3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica

Weekly shop and the choices you make | 13th April 2011 | 18:06 PDT

This has nothing to do with shopping

I did a weekly shop yesterday! Holy shit, I hear you say... Which reminds me, I need shower gel.

I spent a good portion of my time looking at everything and seeing why the hell everything seems to contain chocolate or peanut butter. Actually that's obviously a lie. What I mean is there will be the normal standard version of a product you'd normally find in a supermarket, then there's the chocolate version, a peanut butter version and a chocolate peanut butter version, if you can't make up your mind. Then some topping really out what you'd expect like, tuna covered cereal bars or cheese or carrots or chicken and it extends to other food stuffs of the alphabet.

In all honesty I went shopping twice, first time was to look at everything and deciding what I should consume while I'm in this country, then the second time I actually bought food, mainly salad bits because I hate cooking, peanut butter and jelly, bread and tofu...

To... Fu

What the hell is this stuff? It tastes like toe jelly, not that I've eaten toe jelly but my conclusion comes from it looks and acts like jelly but unstable and crumbles on the touch (this is the extra firm tofu too) and toe cause it tastes vile, like a toe... after a run... in a plastic bag... with dog dodo in it. I really need to get rid of this stuff, it's useless!

I've had tofu before and it's been OK, but this is shit, shit shit! And I'll probably still buy it though cause it's super cheap, I'll just need to mix it up with expensive sauce, problem solved!

Composed: Back at the house, Santa Monica

Not sure why this was urgent to share | 13th April 2011 | 14:46 PDT

The sign says "Good Brew Coffee Shop"

Crap coffee, friendly service. This place was an act of desperation, I've been trying to find somewhere to write these inane ramblings.

I'm currently sharing a table with these French people who proudly shared their inner-monologue about me, when their camera didn't work I and couldn't take the photo, idiot was one of the words they used, and they weren't that far off the truth – but they don't know me as well as I do, so I thought they were rude, but they are smoking and I will have the last laugh without coughing up black bile and phlegm in about 50 years time. Ha-ha!

Also, one of the troubles situating yourself near a tourist trap, you get trapped from that feeling of escape/freedom as every accent "Allo Guv'nor", "bonjour, tu baises idiot", "hallo, du Idiot Englisch" brings you straight back home, though any freedom in the US Somehow feels oxymoronic on a whole as an outside looking in.

It's probably no different anywhere else, just people being people, doing their best to get some food in the fridge and stay out of the hospital. I have a feeling this thought may change about The States, we'll see. I'll probably end up in prison as I conclude it's free.

Aww, now that's cute. A mother calling their child "Offspring" - "Offspring, offspring, c'om' 'ere"

Jet-lag still bringing me to sleep at 8pm and awaking me at 8am, 12 hours sleep, what the hell? No one needs that much and no one needs to get up that early, fucking ridiculous, I got loads of chilling to do awake, I can't waste it asleep.

Beach

Actually I have work to do, but an hour into it I gave up and went for a 10 mile walk on the beach from Montana Ave to Marina del Rey and around. I like to meditate every so often but nothing relaxes and clears your head more than walking by the ocean's edge on the sand, towards the sun, watching everyone getting on with their morning routine, which mainly seems to consist of running, sunbathing and surfing – everyone smiling and saying "hi!"

I may give this running on the beach a go, though it seems to be either muscle-bound Jason Bourne wannabes or super-old weather beaten snakes and despite the 60 year age gap they both run at 0.2 MPH, they're so slow, they still run faster than me though as I'm yet to do any. I can only imagine I'll leave wakes and craters in the sand from the sheer velocity of my majestic sprinting on the sand.

Composed: Sean's Café, Venice Beach

This really isn't a café, is it | 13th April 2011 | 08:57 PDT

The questionable café from the outside

I hate jet-lag, it had me awake until 11pm, and waking up at 6am, I don't know what time is any more, it's like being thrown into a blender of confusion and being poured out into a glass of confusion topped off with sprinkles of crazy - what the fuck am I on about? I think I have too much on my mind that I need to dispense that I couldn't extract yesterday cause of that awful

This is French café is pretty good, people smile at you and tip their hat when they sit down, strangers talk to each other, the authentic French staff (from Mexico) fresh feeling croissant with a slab of brie, it's a hub of calm with a shell of cool. There is something a bit odd with it all though, I am questioning myself whether if this is a really a café. There's a peppering of 20-30 somethings but it's mainly the grey brigade, could have changed by now as I haven't looked up in a while...

... Yep, its changed, far more mixed now other than the crazy grey with a plastic jacket on with a world map on it, which looks like it has been ripped straight out of a 1970s geography class, he's so hip he needs a replacement.

You learn to love it I guess.

What makes this a questionable café (yes, even though the average age has dropped severely as the time edges nearer to noon, I need to put my next observation into a context) is the classical music; The wonderfully, light, crisp, whimsical, free, eloquent, educated, gentle classical music. Being played so people on the space station can hear it, it's astronomically loud! It puts boy racer's loud sound systems to shame and I'm surprised the windows are still in their frames, it's much be registering on a richer scale somewhere in Dubai.

I think I've stumbled upon a... middle-aged day nightclub (shuts at 4pm) no wonder people are smiling at strangers and starting random conversations with them. I better down or hide my coffee, I don't want someone to date rape it and I wake up in the evening with a sore head and a sore... Then, have an awkward chat about the weather if they're there (maybe I'll have the chat to myself if they aren't) I'd then have to do some sort of night time walk of shame, most likely naked with strange photos on my digital camera.

It would also be a waste of a day and sunshine, I've got shopping to do, people to see, work to be done, I can't be wasting it being drugged and raped. Plus, don't these people have jobs (other than drugging tourists and selling them to the highest bidder)

Time to go I think

Composed: Rose Café & Market, Venice

First Supper | 12th April 2011 | 21:30 PDT

Hey you there! Not. So. Slow.

My entire experience at Mercede's Grill took as long as it will take to read this.

"Hi"

  -  Now... this is where it went wrong, my own error of course, it was when I was made out to be and branded "English" AKA "You-Don't-Tip-The-American-Way
-ish" from then, service deteriorated.

"Hi, sit wherever"
I sat therever
"Here's menu, water, crisp/chips"
"Thank you"

  -  I probably shouldn't have said "thank you" either as each one of those items were thrown, lobbed and launched over to my table. I suppose speedy service is what Americans do best and I doubt it has anything to do with the bitterness of this failed actor serving me. He gave me as much time to decide what I'd like to order than his last audition for that TV pilot, he also couldn't remember his lines... Sorry the 4 beers on the menu, one of which wasn't even served that day.

24 seconds later, salad and a pale ale ordered, as I write a few ponders down in the sunshine for a whole 24 seconds, that's when my evening meal was being hurtled across the restaurant's stratosphere. Being English, I thanked him for my tossed salad of substandardness. I clearly was taking too much time as 24 seconds later he took it away, along with my water and complimentary crisps/chips. Least I had beer to grasp on to...

So, I gulped down my entire beer in 2 rather large gulps and the bill was darted from the till to my table as soon as my empty glass touched the table. 24 seconds later I paid and left, leaving a healthy 20% tip, hopefully counteract their prejudice and make them feel really bad and guilty about their actions, like telling off a dog for shitting on the carpet, then feeling bad, giving it a treat and saying sorry.

I left there with them forcing a smile and saying "goodbye" - which is better than "bye" I guess. Maybe next time this happens I'll Frisbee back the food and hope to hit them square between their well-being... Yeah, take that! Maybe I'll learn how to administer proper effective revenge while I'm out here, perhaps there's a course on it.

The thing that got me about this experience is that I understand the more customer rotation, the more money you make and not everyone has good days at work, so if the restaurant was packed out with people, I'd understand. But it was just me and a family on holiday/vacation from butt-fuck nowhere within the states - damn family annoying the workers and ruining my service... C'est la vie

Composed: Cadillac Hotel, Venice

Opening Night | 12th April 2011 | 18:30 PDT

Oh hello again - Venice CA.

Early evening here on Venice Beach, flight was comfy enough, wine was free (probably be stealth charged later) and customs other than being miserable shits, were friendly and accommodating.

Nothing of any incident so far, taxi from the airport had no idea where he was, he also happily drove on the beach board-walk and almost ran some Jamaican over in front of his crew, he was a Vietnameses driver - so probably only job he can get to make a living to support him and his family etc. - fair game to him doing it and fucking up, I saved $5 on my cab fare, so win-win... No idea what I'm talking about, it's early morning in the UK so anything in my body requiring blood will suffer.

First sip of beer in the sunshine is brilliant, though it tastes like smoker's lung - must be American Authentic! So, the last time I was here was 2 years a go, for 3 days, instantly nothing has changed but then again, why would it? Same hotel, same room (up one floor) same scenes. It feels like home a little bit, or just familiar, I'm pretty certain once I get stabbed/shot/hassled I'll bottle up and hate everything.

Walking up the board-walk to the fishing pier with the sun on my back, people still selling the exact same things, placed the same way, just the artists of society just getting on with whatever suits them at the time, I think that's pretty awesome, money's nice, living is nicer.

Any who, the surroundings haven't changed, I was expecting a little, but nothing changes really just the finite amount of situations and dramas that life throws at us.

Though I should add that my trip here isn't really to "experience", it's to live how it'd like and not eat into my savings too much, It's a practice run before I venture off the beaten track, with laptop and wi-fi, it's also to tick off 2 of my "must do by the end of the year" new year's list, that my sister made me do in a pub one evening in December.

  1)  Live by the beach (Even for a bit)
  2)  Freelance successfully (more money in than out)

It's to test myself not to give it all up and see shit and go "great" like most backpackers do, I will be just as drunk though and until I get settled, it'll be hard to define the future and that's the fun - THE UNKNOWN!

Composed: Mercede's Grill, Marina del Rey