Making Front Page News | 5th May 2011 | 18:02 PDT

After wasting a day being a waster I felt I needed to get out the house and get some culture. I was watching the local TV and saw a piece about the Santa Monica History Museum and being just down the road, thought I'd check it out...

To my surprise this compact museum located adjacent to the library and it wasn't about a museum about the history of museums in Santa Monica, but about the history of Santa Monica through the ages, duh!

(I didn't take notes, so this is all from memory and may be a bit wrong) Typically like most places where any people have lived, its life started off with people living there! Native Americans happily living in small communities, until the Spanish decided to come up from Mexico and kill them all. The ones left over were taught how to farm inefficiently European stylee, dude. The Spanish taught them all Christianity and left to get paella from somewhere else in the world, replacing them were the church missionaries who taught them a whole lot of other things, like church building and probably weight training, as time passed the locals chucked out all the missionaries and got replaced my government businessmen who built a railway a railway a mile into the sea, as their vision was to turn Santa Monica into a port town. This failed and the train track into the sea was taken over by Japanese fishermen that created a village out there, until it caught fire, classed condemned and fell into disrepair. The port town also failed because the majority of people coming here were tourists loving the scenery, climate and so a pier, funfair and a whole bunch of crap was thrown into the area. Nothing's changed much since the war (number 2) other than palm trees getting taller.

I'm not sure if spinach was the main inspiration for Pop-Eye

Santa Monica also lays claims to the creation of pop-eye, modern skateboarding, the original muscle beach (back then full of acrobatic performers and then moved to Venice Beach as it wasn't considered "family" enough by Disney when they threw a load of money into the area). It is also where Route 66 or "America's Main Street" comes to an end from Chicago.

A skateboard
A map

The museum also has the entire archives from their local paper "The Outlook" - which shut down in 1998. It would've been amazing to sift through the entire archive like you see in the movies and unearth something incredible, but you can do the next best thing. Put yourself on the front cover of one of the stories that could've happened in The Outlook's life.

I picked a story that was me winning an Oscar (only a matter of time, really) though I probably should have payed more attention to the story and not just the headline of "Rupert Burr shines at Academy Awards"... as it continues to go on how I was discovered at a singing competition 3 weeks before the shooting of 'The Sound of Music' and replaced Julie Andrews as she fell ill with laryngitis. Someone said I put in an "Outstanding performance" - so, I probably deserved the award as I imagine it was quite hard for me to replace Julie Andrews.

Hot off the press

Lets hope she doesn't find out I poisoned her food to give laryngitis.

Vegas: Part V | 3rd May 2011 | 15:40 PDT

Monday - May 2nd

The last day. Drove back to LA and stopped off at Barstow for a Taco Bell as that had one of the main plans while the guys were here. It seemed like we got to LAX in record time.


This is misleading as we didn't drive thru the sign
Record was of course ruined by the joys of flying stand-by, their flight was full and there was no space for my friends to get on so they were stranded in LA, no doubt fear and loathing it.

Hours of trying to find a solution, walking around all the terminals talking to all the airlines, looking online for alternative routes via New York, it was hours of agony for them, I stuck around to make sure they could all get home or if something needed to be organised...

4 hours later and the next flight came in... And it had space for them and they all got on, got home safe and they all got upgraded! So not all bad in the end!

I hopped on a city bus (after waiting 45 minutes) and met some French swing dancers en route, who had decided to drop into Santa Monica but had no where to stay and it was getting late (it was about 1030 by this time) and as they'd never been there before, I showed them around all the hotels from the bus until they found a room.

I walked back to the house and proceeded to sleep for a decade.




Vegas: Part IV | 3rd May 2011 | 15:20 PDT

Sunday - May 1st

Waking up very late/early afternoon, we needed to get the revs going in our engines and determine whether we'd all experience a hangover or just suffering from extreme tiredness.

Urghhhh, I hate every beautiful day


The cure and way to find out? Denny's! Massive plates of processed substances formed together into the shape of familiar looking foodstuffs, yum!

My plate of "food" took, what felt like an hour, to chew and swallow and the majority of that time was spent looking greyly at what was in front of me on my plate and what it really was, as well as looking out the window trying to comprehend why Mario and Luigi, Homer Simpson and Minnie Mouse were walking back and fourth in front of Denny's - It felt they were trying to taunt me in some way.

Walking around the strip not really feeling up up for exerting any energy, we hit the poolside to recoup and a beer and Snickers later we were back, ready to live again!

Up and down Water
 
The night brought us Bellagio fountains, massive steaks and a trip to the Imperial Palace to gamble one last flurry with some celebrity lookalikes - but I wasn't sure what famous people they were meant to be as they all looked like very plain people with a bit of make up and a hat on. Not. Very. Good.

Vegas: Part III | 3rd May 2011 | 14:55 PDT

Saturday - 30th April

Kicked off proceedings with a litre can of beer and a daylight exploration of the strip towards the stratosphere places like Venetian, Wynn, Mirage, Paris and everywhere in between.

Giant mutant butterfly of the Bellagio can cocoon a creature in seconds

The night kicked and as we like to stay classy and suave and that nothing says class, cool and chic like Hooters that's where we went to sample is visual offerings and delights it has given us to this great planet, Earth.

Next up, was a bar within THEhotel at Mandalay Bar called Mix, placed right on the top floor - this place had a great vibe and a great view only to be ruined by super-expensive drinks and moody incompetent staff that couldn't get an order right if it was already placed numerically. Twice they got our order wrong, and the first time they got it wrong, the guy poured his mistake down the drain and walked off when we questioned why he was a fucking moron that could look at a bottle and pour its substance, sorry, when we questioned politely that the order was wrong.

View from THEhotel's bar, Mix - Trés bon, non?

Anyway, we got over it, danced a bit, drank a bit more wrong ordered drinks and proceeded to accidentally lose a member of our wolf pack, we bumped in to many interesting characters at THEhotel, I was long gone by the time all this happened so God knows what was said, all I can recollect was the word "interesting" from that part of the night.

We marched/walked/stumbled to New York New York only to proceed to march/walk/stumble out again and some how ended up back at Hooters where we stayed for most of the night as my mates was having a blinder of a game on roulette only to be so drunk they bet off most of their generous winning profit. I'm the unluckiest guy at roulette so I killed my time shooting the slots winning $35 or so from a $1 bet.

It was getting late on and a member of the wolf pack had fallen short on roulette and was hungry, next to us was some advertising for Hooters wings for 25c - we put the two together and decided to go along with it. In order for us to get into this special offer only available between midnight and 6am we had to become a member of their Owl Reward Club, fair deal it was free.

After our short interview/registration process we were in the Executive Member of Hooters Society and our fellow members were awaiting in the restaurant to congratulate, praise and high five us, shouting out our names and calling us heroes, Obama and Hasselhoff asking for our signatures - that's how I remember it anyway.

What a most beautiful sight to see

We inhaled a few beers and 20 buttery wings and left Hooters at sunrise, we walked back to our hotel via meeting a few stray Americans and shooting the breeze over a drink with a stray Canadian.

Around 6am we made it back to the room, lost wolf member was found on the sofa curled up, we had so much buzz and adrenaline from the night's morning that my mate had to calm down by drinking a bowl of rum.

Vegas: Part II | 3rd May 2011 | 14:40 PDT

Friday - 29th April

8am, I was awoken with a beer after minimal sleep (I didn't drink it as I thought I was driving that day and didn't want to be done for DUI - which turned out pointless as I didn't drive that day...)
We headed over to an outlet mall, where a footlong subway was promptly purchased and used to smash the living soul of any encroaching hangover and we trawled around the shops.

Probably the best breakfast a boy could wish for

After shopping, it was time to rebuild our testosterone levels, how? By firing off a few rounds at the gun range, that's how!

We got to the Gun Store and greeted with a girl handing out menus of firearms for us to choose from, about 45 in all, a mixture of machine guns, handguns, semi-auto rifles. I looked at this menu blankly, kind of how a dog tilts its head when it's not sure what the hell is going on, I had no idea as I have no idea about guns, to me they're big bits of metal with numbers attached to them and my only experience with a gun is via YouTube videos.

After much deliberation, I picked what looked like decent guns, a Ruger MKIII handgun and a AR15 semi-auto rifle. My second choice was fine, but my first was met with some criticism.

"That handgun you chose is something we offer within our kids range, you know that right?"
  -  Now, in my defence I was going by numbers this Ruger MKIII had a 22 after it, whereas other handguns had 9 and I thought everything was done in millimetres and therefore being a bloke bigger is better. The guns positioning didn't help either being placed right next to a Desert Eagle (which I knew was awesome from a video on YouTube) and a Dirty Harry AKA Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum - which I knew was awesome from the TV show "Sledgehammer")

"No, I didn't know that was from the kids menu, erm... erm..."
  -  Drop of sweat from panic
"I'll fire a Dirty Harry, then"

"Oh, OK, are you sure?"
"Yep!"
"Have you ever fired a gun before?"
"..Nahhh"
"Can't wait to watch this then"


  -  Drop of pee from fear
"Haha"
  -  Big gulp


We queued up for about an hour and a half, each 60 seconds going by being mentally filled with images of a broken nose and a barrel burn mark creating a vertical equator on my face, as well as plenty of blood, ambulances and perhaps a wry bullet going somewhere it shouldn't.

Thankfully (?) I was first to go up and a few blasts on my newly acquired hand-cannon and the only trouble I had was how to hold it, this felt reassuring for everyone in the vicinity (Apparently put your thumb "on top of" means "next to" in Nevada)

I loved it! After I fired off the first shot and knew I could deal with it and the recoil, I had a blast killing paper terrorists, the thing that made it special for me and completed the experience was seeing flames coming out the end of the barrel... Yee-haw!

I can only imagine this is how I looked firing the Dirty Harry (via greatlifequotes.org)

Next up was the rifle or something, I less excited about this as I had no idea what it was and no fearing reputation attached to it (maybe to others in front of the gun may feel a little different) to me this gun was a piece of car, melted to look like a thick walking stick held between my shoulder and arms with a scope on it, which was useless due to visionary difficulties at birth, couldn't see out of it

I was really pleased with my shots, grouping and that I hit the paper every time but this was nothing compared to my mate shooting off paper bin Laden's moustache off.

Night was drinking and gambling fun!

Vegas: Part I | 3rd May 2011 | 14:22 PDT

Now back in the homeshire sitting on the beach over looking the Pacific with the sunshine on my face, (it feels weird thinking as this place as home now, when I've only been here 3 weeks, but there we are...)

Vegas was amazing, great to see my friends/wolf pack members from back home for a final blow-out before my return in October, what did we get up to? Not overly sure but I'll give it a go...

Las Vegas is just a bunch of lights and that, really


Thursday - 28th April
Meet up with the lads after a 2 hour bus journey. They were met with comical sign in hand and went and got our rental car, 7 seater beast in the form of a Chevrolet Traverse - this was great fun tearing up the desert roads at sensible speeds...

Desert is just a bunch of sand and sunshine, really


After the 4 hour or so drive, we were ready to taste Vegas, we checked into our awesome hotel suite at the Planet Hollywood Westgate... This place was incredible, 2 bed suite, hot tub, massive projector TV, plus additional TVs everywhere you can think of, kitchens (yes, kitchens) and great view over the strip on the "50th" floor (There are no 4s in hotels due to Chinese superstition, so our hotel lacked 10 floors - no 13th either for obvious reasons)

After the struck of awe had subsided a little we had a few drinks and hit the town, sampling nearby casinos whilst plenty of drinking and gambling...