Date With Hate | 22nd September 2011 | 17:27 PDT

I'm in a mood of pure annoyance and it's for no reason whatsoever and aimed at nothing in particular, if I was to categorise it, It would be filed under “Dunno – then shrug”, I do know how to fix it though.

I simply need to go out and hate something, look at it with my eyeballs and with a blank and emotionless stare just seethe everything I have towards it, hopefully this will make whatever I look at explode and relieve the pressure built up within me and I know just where to start!

I skip merrily down the street, tipping my hat to people passing me on the street, whistling as I nod my head to the beat of I Hate Everything by Suicide Machines. Rare birds and butterflies fill the air around me but, I really have to control myself and not to get too carried away with this joy. I can't be too happy – there's hate to be had! So, I kill the birds and butterflies with a flamethrower and replace them with dead trees, pollution and the skulls of dolphins. That's better.

Urgh. You make me calm! (via

First stop, Vancouver Contemporary Art Gallery a gallery which ordinarily would bring delight but because of its free admission, only annoyance is the result as not paying for an entrance is something I enjoy and I look around the two cliché (white walled, concrete floored) galleries.

Entering a gallery to my right, I was met with a sea of finely decorated prints from wood carving, made way back when England was still apart of Middle Earth and the only populated area above the M25 was Newcastle, where the Orcs first settled, they've yet to integrate themselves to learn the English language.

I managed brew some hate when two Canadian art lovers, ignored the leaflet they were reading saying, “Thomas Bewick artist from Newcastle” and assumed everything was from Burrrrmiiiinghaaaam. I looked over at them with pure hate and pointed at the big lettering in the leaflet that said otherwise. Jackasses

Yes, delight! I've found hate, lets use this as a foundation to explode for the next gallery, this one contained brightly coloured bits of crap smooshed together on a canvas with a Helvetica typeface scrambled all over it, saying ponsy things like “The wave of emotion is like the wave of the beach”, “Society is a pile of shit-headed dick-wadded shagadelic chesticled jizz-fart” and “Remember to smile the world is super fantastic wonderful great cool!” - This dissipated my hate and converted my being into perplexed confusion of confusion.

Urgh, you make me confused!

Grumble grumble grumble. I've only enough energy to go to one more place, a coffee shop. This is not any type of coffee shop, this one has annoyingly bad coffee and an art gallery of fine art attached to it, if anything is going to make me want to hate, this will with all their ... ways.

Heading to the counter, I order a coffee from a super-miserable customer service representative, seems unfair to direct my hate at her seeing as she has her own demons to deal with, so I show a little compassion not to destroy her.

Taking my drink, I wander around the art gallery, I'm looking at stupid things like trees, dogs, nonsense, scenery, frames, colours, flowers and general crap. All the while I'm being distracted by people sitting on a sofa and having fun with their conversation and there's soothing heavy metal on the stereo. Argh, this isn't helping me. I finish my drink and storm out happy and contented that non of my anger inducing tactics are working.

Urgh, you make me sick!

I notice a puny tree embedded into the pavement and decide maybe this can help to make me feel like I've accomplished something with my emotional state. So, I gently kick the tree and I feel slightly better, “fantastic!” I thought, and I do it again.

As I finish with the swinging motion of my second kick, a noise begins to rumble up above. I look up to see what is going on, just a branch from up above slaps me right in the head. “Fuck off you little twerp” the tree seemed to have said to me.

I feel saddened and I openly apologise to the tree, I walk homeward bound in an annoyance that I'd failed to alleviate my annoyance.

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