Little Shit | 12th September 2011 | 19:20 PDT

Enjoying a stroll around Stanley Park's seawall, which was originally constructed by James Cunningham, who spent just over 30 years on the project and despite being sick in his later years, would still go down to the wall wearing pyjamas to check its progress until his death - now, you would've thought with that dedication he should get some recognition, like the section around Stanley Park being named after him, but he gets nothing at all. It's the least, the council can do after he put his blood, sweat and tears into creating one of Vancouver's main attractions.

Taking in some of the usual sights such as, Totem Poles, the most visited attraction in British Columbia, the ones currently there are commissions as the originals are in the museum. 9 o'clock gun, a cannon that fires at 9pm to signal the end of the fishing day and allow locals to accurately set their clocks. Girl in a wetsuit, when the city wasn't allowed to recreate Copenhagen's Little Mermaid, they got sculptor Elek Imredy to make a modern version with a diving mask, swimfins and the like.

I was halfway through my seawall adventure as I was walking past Third Beach, which I kind of consider to be the 'local beach' as there are often cans of beer littering the place and the smell of fragrant smoke fills the air.

A child in front of me was happily delighted with the new use of her legs and the wonders that come attached to them, she was currently enjoy the 'jogging mode' and was laughing and smiling as children selfishly do, as they're unaware to the world's environmental pain and demise.

The child looked at me and turned up her legs a notch to 'running mode', now ordinarily I would move out the way but seeing as there was a cyclist and a rollerblader going in the same direction as I, this meant my direction of travel was limited to forward or stop. I knew a collision was imminent so I opted for 'stop'.

I was beginning to slow down to a  controlled stop, and as I was on my last step forward, sure enough this disgustingly blissful stupid toddler ran into my slightly elevated leg and she fell on her bum. Her reaction was typically childish of “Oh!”. The child looked up at me and smiled for a few moments as the parents ran over to the kid, pick her up and started petting her, or whatever parents do.

Now lets play a fun game, fetch! (via

They asked her if she was alright, which I thought was kind of redundant as she's couldn't talk, and she looked over at me with a smile, but this one was different from the one when she first fell over, and started balling her eyes out, screaming and crying like a hormonal Niagara Falls. The parents quickly looked at me with a look of disgust as if I had purposefully pushed her to the ground with my foot. Which wasn't the case, I was simply stopping, my leg was hardly even moving. That little bitch of a baby!

“Ahh – It'll be alright, that mean old man didn't mean it”
  -  No, you would know if I meant it. I would have kick your child so hard, her head would explode into smithereens...

Kaboom! and then some! (via

The parents rush little Satan off to the café to fill her noisy gob of hell's wrath full of ice cream to calm the flames and as they disappear I actually wished I had kicked that kid's face off, as that precious artefact child is a fucking evil douchebag.

I spent the rest of the walk disgruntled about this little shit ruining it and my thoughts consumed about just how far I could kick a baby if I really put all my effort behind it, I concluded if I really tried, there would only be a toddler-shaped blackhole left in the fabric of the space time continuum.

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