Ruining Shakespeare | 11th September 2011 | 22:56 PDT

Bard on the beach, the works of Shakespeare played out on the beach, this evening I would be watching Henry VI: The Wars of the Roses. It was absolutely brilliant, that was very well executed, the talent were fantastic and I thoroughly enjoyed it, unfortunately there was one thing that kept on bugging me and no, it wasn't the Canadians doing an awful English accent and watching them resists the urge to say “eh!” or “right?” at the end of each speech. This thing was constantly in my line of vision and distracting me from what was happening on stage.

A huge disgusting fat woman – now, I'm not a fattiest but this lady couldn't fit into the chair and was smothering the right hand side of the person sitting next to her with her arm blubber, the person next to her was so uncomfortable by this, that her reaction made it look like she smelt of rotten food and month old sweat that had been trapped in her folds.

Only a fraction of the distraction (via agentmlovestacos.com)

After the interval, she was the last person to take her seat, probably because she had throw a bucket of water over herself to stop her drying up before the aquarium could come fetch her to take her home, which made me hate her and proceeded to pull out a massive bag of popcorn from somewhere, which made me hate her even more, actually I was more confused as to where on her person she pulled out fresh popcorn from.

I proceeded to look at her in utter amazement as she proceeded for the next 25 minutes to constantly conveyor-belt in handfuls of food into her mouth. I wasn't sure if I should have sneaked out from the show at that point and call Ripley's Believe It or Not museum to notify them that one of their exhibits has escaped.

W... T... F... UCK! (via flickr.com/photos/chutney_bannister)

As her hand finished feeding stuffing her gob and she shuffled in her seat, I'm not sure if it was voluntary or just a reaction to an earthquake happening somewhere in the world. Then the unthinkable happened, her belly button popped out, it was the size of a tennis ball just jutting out from her stomach. She looked down at herself to acknowledge this unusual occurrence and didn't even batter an eyelid by this like it was the most normal thing in the world, she showed no sign of panic and embarrassment whatsoever.

Another earthquake happened and she shuffled around in her seat, everything returned to normal and the game of tennis could resume in her stomach and she carried on shovelling in food. I on the other hand was shocked white by this incident and internally wept for the rest of the night, until I could get home and I could actually cry myself to a better happier place.