Becoming Functional | 6th June 2011 | 10:37 PDT

Firstly, the years of wear, tear and general abuse of this unmaintained machine begin to fire up and with all the complicated array of rusty cogs and broken gauges the seemingly broken internal functions, begin to function, to what I can only imagine as a budget version of the Lionsgate's introduction to film made by Wallace & Gromit

"As long as the wheels keep on turnin' around" (via

It emerges from its comatosed state to be greeted by its ever friendly internal monologue:
What the hell...
After the last 36 or so hours.
Of doing nothing.
Enjoying the complete happiest of bliss.
It's now, you tell me it's time.
And I need to make the most of working.
I don't believe it.
Honestly I don't.
But fine.
I'll concede.
I'll wake up.

Testing. One, twooooo, one, twooooo (via

Next, the auditory functions are now getting warmed up and ready to hear what lurks in the darkness of the familiar unknown, the machine doesn't like what breaks the long periods of silence. A high frequency musical tones of organic life, it has heard it before, but normally resides where leaves, bark and grass are present. The noise is often heard from upon high - it's sickeningly happy, cheerful, gleeful and life-loving... Its birds

And now for something completely different (via

Then, the sightseeing devices open apart horizontally and a stream of billions and billions of buzzing electrons attack and blast against its optical response units. It's internal monologue replies "This must be what being hit by a visual ten tonne freight train"

The machine wants to move, and feels guilty for not moving yet, but the very idea of leaving the warmth of storage is too overpowering, so it decide to just wait there for 5 minutes, as a deadline for all the functions to talk to each other and become one joined partnership.

20 minutes pass, and even though the functions are still arguing with each other and are not willing to cooperate, the monologue forces the cogs of motion to just do it, and the rest of the internal mechanisms will just have to make up their deadline along the way or fall short and lose the ability of that function for the day.

Leaving this machine to end up walking blindly into a shut door, but at least it heard the bang as it hit the floor.

The pleasure I experience of waking up in the mornings.

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