It's Anything but Norm | 9th June 2011 | 14:35

Norm's, anything but Norm! (well, it is quite "norm") - not actually their slogan

I visited an all-American diner called Norm's (only based in Southern California) Diners like these are brilliant places, the general public, the waitresses, the constant motion of action and it's an ideal place to people watch and make yourself feel better. I love places like these on a scale that is equal to size of some people's guts in here.

I tried to blur the bellies to save their dignity, but there'd be no photo left.

I'd already eaten a late breakfast but I needed some WiFi so I dropped on by for a coffee and I saw this strange item on the menu, I hadn't seen for a while... Fruit! A side dish thereof was available to the general public, I was astonished! I hadn't had any fruit since i've been here (plenty of vegetables though) so I ordered coffee and fruit.

This was obviously met with a mixture of looks by the waitress containing perplexed, strange, shocked and bizarre amongst others, thankfully I've been here long enough to be kind of desensitised to weird looks I receive now.

They seem to be apart of my daily life and routine. If I'm washing my teeth, someone becomes bewildered. If I go for a run, I rattle someone. If I eat a doughnut, dumbfounded. If I say I'm from England, I blow their mind, If I steal an emu, dress it as a Roman centurion and get it to play the bagpipes, no one batters an eyelid.

I await my order... and unsurprisingly my order came, straight to me and my borrow table for this dining session, it also came with a knife and fork. Have I tangled the thought processes of this waitress that I ordered fruit and I'm English, that I we cutlery for everything?

This looks yummy!

Now, I'm kind of stumped what to do. Do I not use them and risk upsetting/confusing her more, and after all - I have free-refills of coffee and I don't want those to stop or, do I bite the bullet and try and use these utensils for these hand-ready fruits?

I use the utensils, which turned out to probably be the biggest culinary struggle with a food item I've ever had (except for any meat with any bone in it) it was slipping and sliding all over the place, it felt like trying to cut oiled butter that had Usain Bolt's legs surgically put on with the wading abilities of Michael Phelps, I was failing fast.

I knew when a piece of fruit dashed off the plate across the table onto the seat opposite, it was time for me to retire my utensil based hand-eye coordination for the day and go back to the good old fashioned, tried and tested method of, Caveman style... This was going to work perfectly as the waitress had gone off somewhere and out of sight...

This was yummy!

Within seconds, all items allocated to me were finished, fruit empty of vitamins and my container drained of coffee, mission accomplished, I was contented. My waitress seemed less so, giving me a look of semi-disapproval as she walked by me with a jug of coffee... but, she didn't offering to fill up my mug. Damn! She must've seen me use my hands, I'm such an out of control animal! Damn! It was good coffee too...

What have I learnt?
I know never to eat with my hands again and why the cavemen died out.

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