Hello, Greetings, Welcome, Ay Up! | 8th June 2011 | 17:42

I went shopping today, but not for meaningless objects of retail value and to get involved in transactions that result in financial loss. I should explain, here in Americaland, everyone you see and meet here are very friendly and always want to say "Hi" and to be your best friend for the briefest of moments, which is great!

I wanted to measure this friendliness of people and good nature of spontaneous goodwill. More importantly, I wanted to measure how much I'm really liked as a person and my place in society based on just me and the way I look, this test obviously translates to everyone I have ever met, including family, friends, pets, bank managers and celebrities.In this ultimate test of my self-esteem and general well-being for the rest of my list, the people I've entrusted this in are who are the ones paid to remotely like and take interest in me - the shop assistants.

The Surfers
(Company based in Huntington Beach, California)
How many greetings? 0
I'm never going to the beach to bathe on solid foam ever again

The New Yorkers
(Founded in Manhattan)
How many greetings? 0
This is why 9/11 really happened

The Geeks
(Corporate operations in San Francisco)
How many greetings? 0
iHate this place anyway, it's like the morning person of shops

The Kooks
(Tufts University is where the company took on the name)
How many greetings? 0
No big loss as these guys are like their t-shirts... plain

The Australians
(Company was founded in Torquay, Victoria, Australia)
How many greetings? 0
Just enough anger to take over TV and play Fosters commercials on repeat

The Swedish
(Hennes & Mauritz is a retail-clothing company from Stockholm)
How many greetings? 0
Obviously they've not adjusted to the sun coming over the horizon first time this year

Not going so well, it just seems like everyone hates me - why retail Lord, why!?
I've a feeling things are getting better, but only to the same as someone walking stamping your toe and you apologising for getting in their way.

The Italians
(based in Treviso, Italy)
How many greetings? 1
Shouldn't complain, but this greeting was by no means colourful

The Actors
(A fashion boutique with stores in Los Angeles)
How many greetings? 1
This one was upon exiting the store, just thankful to get rid of me and go back to a busily empty store

The Germans
(is a German sports apparel manufacturer)
How many greetings? 1
WWI is forgiven, II isn't

The French
(was founded by four brothers raised in Marseille, France.)
How many greetings? 1
For the French's reputation for being so accomodating, this is a good result!

The Middle Management
(Giorgio Armani is an Italian fashion designer)
How many greetings? 2
Enough money to care, just not enough to give a shit

The Jocks
(Founded in the University of Oregon)
How many greetings? 2
1 friendly hello but after they realised I wasn't getting new pair of Air Jordans, I was exited with a very lacklustre goodbye and a wedgie

The Bavarians
(Levi Strauss came from Butt, Franconia, Kingdom of Bavaria)
How many greetings? 2
someone almost murmured a "How are you?" - definitely going to visit Bavaria next summer

These exceptional and lovely people completely help to rebuild my shattered self-esteem back to normal, I was skipping all the way home after being so warmly accepted by these groups, I may hug them next time, yes, all of them!

The Freshman
(Retailer based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania)
How many greetings? 2
They're paid enough to have two separate in-depth conversations in a busy store, I've never  felt so interesting and worldly in all my live!
The Hipsters
(Originated as "The Free People's Store" in Pennsylvania)
How many greetings? 3
I think it's my glasses that help me associate them with me and me with them, like the Borg

The Spanish
(Desigual is a casual clothing brand based in Barcelona)
How many greetings? 6!
Wow, I could bounce to the moon on this good mood, but the experience of people coming up to say "Hey" was more like buying a hooker without benefits than buying clothes

...What the fuck has just happened here?

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