First Supper | 12th April 2011 | 21:30 PDT

Hey you there! Not. So. Slow.

My entire experience at Mercede's Grill took as long as it will take to read this.


  -  Now... this is where it went wrong, my own error of course, it was when I was made out to be and branded "English" AKA "You-Don't-Tip-The-American-Way
-ish" from then, service deteriorated.

"Hi, sit wherever"
I sat therever
"Here's menu, water, crisp/chips"
"Thank you"

  -  I probably shouldn't have said "thank you" either as each one of those items were thrown, lobbed and launched over to my table. I suppose speedy service is what Americans do best and I doubt it has anything to do with the bitterness of this failed actor serving me. He gave me as much time to decide what I'd like to order than his last audition for that TV pilot, he also couldn't remember his lines... Sorry the 4 beers on the menu, one of which wasn't even served that day.

24 seconds later, salad and a pale ale ordered, as I write a few ponders down in the sunshine for a whole 24 seconds, that's when my evening meal was being hurtled across the restaurant's stratosphere. Being English, I thanked him for my tossed salad of substandardness. I clearly was taking too much time as 24 seconds later he took it away, along with my water and complimentary crisps/chips. Least I had beer to grasp on to...

So, I gulped down my entire beer in 2 rather large gulps and the bill was darted from the till to my table as soon as my empty glass touched the table. 24 seconds later I paid and left, leaving a healthy 20% tip, hopefully counteract their prejudice and make them feel really bad and guilty about their actions, like telling off a dog for shitting on the carpet, then feeling bad, giving it a treat and saying sorry.

I left there with them forcing a smile and saying "goodbye" - which is better than "bye" I guess. Maybe next time this happens I'll Frisbee back the food and hope to hit them square between their well-being... Yeah, take that! Maybe I'll learn how to administer proper effective revenge while I'm out here, perhaps there's a course on it.

The thing that got me about this experience is that I understand the more customer rotation, the more money you make and not everyone has good days at work, so if the restaurant was packed out with people, I'd understand. But it was just me and a family on holiday/vacation from butt-fuck nowhere within the states - damn family annoying the workers and ruining my service... C'est la vie

Composed: Cadillac Hotel, Venice

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