Chafing Charities | 14th July 2011 | 18:03 PDT

Walking down Robson Street, I'm approached by this ginger girl with a big white-super-smiley face in a bright blue plastic mac holding a clipboard (think it was yellow).

"Would you like to help kids and poor people around the world?"
  -  No
"Yes, I'd love to!"
"Excellent, for only $20 a month..."
"Sorry, let me stop you. I'm not a Canadian resident and have no bank here, so I can't sign up"
"...oh, ok - do you want to hear about the great things we're doing"
  -  No
"Yes, I'd love to!"

Listening whilst wishing for one of these to appear beneath me (via

She continues to give her little speech about all the good UNICEF does around the world, and that they don't do much in Canada and are only here to get donations. She mentions UNICEF so many times, I'd zone out the CEF whenever she said it and I'd change it for something to keep me alive on my feet as I receive this lecture.

"UNIcycles upholds the Convention on the Rights of the Child... UNIsex's response to the global HIV/AIDS epidemic extends from high government offices to small, remove villages in the developing world... UNIbomber was created with this purpose in mind – to work with others to overcome the obstacles that poverty, violence, disease and discrimination place in a child’s path... UNImaginative is the driving force that helps build a world where the rights of every child are realized... UNInterested act so that all children are immunized against common childhood diseases, and are well nourished, because it is wrong for a child to suffer or die from a preventable illness."

Yawn (via

Half way through this pavement timeshare sales speech, she stopped mentioning UNICEF and went straight to saying "I" skipping the "we" - part of the achievements, like she was taking credit for the good work that all the others around her do... I was having a really hard time, not being an asshole at this point - I failed.

"I vaccinated around 40,000 people a month with the medicine they need in order to live a normal happy life"
"Wow, you personally injected all those people? How do you find the time between doing this and that?"
"Yeah, I personally inject them all"
  -  You're quite clearly deluded
"We also purify water, did you know most of Africa don't have access to clean drinking water, and what they have kills them..."
"That is actually pretty awful, but they could move though, right?"
"...Yeah, it is... Yes, they could move - thankfully I have developed this water purification device that can purify millions of gallons of water"
"Wow, you did you do that while doing those vaccinations?"
"Yes, I did!"
"Again, congratulations!"

She continues to take the glory for other and goes on for a number of hours, about how she saved the world with her little finger, created world peace, hunger, was the midwife to every child in Africa, build homes for the homeless and cured HIV... or something.

Yeah, you are! (via

"...and that's what I do at UNICEF"
"Well, I am amazed by how much you do - you're doing such a great thing!"
"Thank you, I am"
  -  That's all you wanted a pat on the head for doing charity work (even though you probably get paid for it)
"Good luck signing up more people"

I walk off, pushing over a pram with a child over yelling "This kid needs you magical charitable touch!"
...That didn't actually happen, I'm not that much of a wanker and my antagonising nature was all done with a good mutual understanding nature, unless she's crying somewhere in East Hastings, shouting to the sky "Why does nobody take me seriously?"

No comments: