One Way In, No Way Out | 13th July 2011 | 23:27 PDT

Drinking coffee at the up-market Admiral café and bistro overlooking the harbour as heavy clouds blanket the peaks of distant mountains, I'm approached by an Indian guy.

"Great weather we are having!"

Now, you know when someone looks crazy, you sense it, also all the white areas of their face are in full view and seem to glow exceptionally bright. This guy didn't have that, he was also an intimidating 7ft tall (looked that was from a seating position), 4ft wide, he was clothed and wearing a turban. I knew he was ok to carry on this conversation with.

Yes, Kinda like this. (via

"Yeah, its not bad, not quite like California"
"Ah, yes California, they have a lot of women with tiny dogs over there, don't they"
"Yes, they have a fair few over there"
"Do you want to know what I reckon?..."
 -  oh, no, please no!
"...They fuck those little dogs, or the dog fucks them"
 -  too late, you are in fact crazy
"Oh, really..."
"Yes, absolutely!"
 -  Why didn't I just say 'Yes' to his statement?
"Would that even work on a logistical level?"
"True, maybe it's the woman with the big dogs"
"So, you born and bred in Vancouver?"
"I mean, they're probably lonely and need some attention..."
"Yeah... I guess"

Sorry Fido, it's for the good of the cause (via

At this point, he starts to wander off muttering to himself about this theory, no doubt to improve the finer details to share with the next person. I finish my coffee and stroll along the harbour front.

Oh Shit... This non-crazy crazy guy is sitting on a bench, waving his arms passionately and before I can react quick enough to avoid him, he's got me in his sights and starts pointing and shouting.

I could only wish for his hair to diffuse the situation (via

"This man knows about dog fucking! He knows about the logistics and everything!"

Now, would be a perfect time for a land-able killer whale to arise from the harbour's water and rip me apart like a seal.

Thankfully though, to help my embarrassment, after that statement was verbally put 'out there', all I could see were shocked parents, laughing kids, all looked over by the pitying looks of the elderly eating their sandwiches. Most annoying of all was I'd yet to see a single family that day along the harbour, it was like they were all waiting for this moment.

I had no option but to face the adoring crowd and walk through the thick of the storm. Wading through dense clouds of people and trying to cool myself off with sweat from all the lightening hot shocks aimed my way.

It just goes to show, those crazy people are learning and adapting to our way of life, one day they'll disappear and be walking amongst us and attack without warning. You have been cautioned!

This person is quite clearly insane, I see no other option but to put them down (via

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