Artsy German | 23rd August 2011 | 23:56 PDT

Where art thou, art? Oh, there art thou, art. As my friend and invitee to the event, points to the entrance of the exhibition. Oh, I'm now surrounded by art, but this being an art exhibition and things like art exhibitions tend to exhibit things like art.

The concept behind this particular art show is from an idea conceived in Berlin, to help reduce graffiti, people would loving make their creations on paper, which would in turn be rolled up and handed out to strangers by people riding bikes, I'm not sure on the environmental impact of a bit of spray paint vs pieces of paper, but whatever.

Littering max fine: Your Life (via

The exhibit was essentially clothes lines full of doodles contributed by various contributors and the majority of them were amazingly mediocre but mainly a lot of nonsense, as is the way with art.

I showed my encouragement by saying to my friend next to me, as loud as verbally much as the daredevil inside me would allow whilst stroking my beard “That's so hauntingly beautiful, like an empty everything”, “It's so deep in meaning it's drowning, yet so afloat with passion” and “Oh, what a load of old bollocks”

Underneath the clotheslines were cardboard boxes on plinths filled with more pieces of art, and in most cases many duplicates of the art that was on display above. Using the logic that if you have more than one and everything in a cardboard box is free, my friend and I rummaged through the boxes and picked out some pieces we liked.

The exhibition. The Art. The Plinth.

“Now what, do we pay for them?”

Asking the organiser, if we could take them, make a donation or pay for them.
She replied in a German accent (as she was German) “No, I'm afraid not”
“Oh... OK. What if I roll them up, ride a bike and give it to my friend that way?”
“Absolutely not”
Defeated, we put the art back.

To me this seemed fucking stupid, here we are ready to pay for this doodle, we were going to appreciate it and give it a good home, but instead this woman wants to crumple them up and hand them out to the dumb public who will no doubt sigh, throw it on the floor and stamp on it with muddy shoes.

My whole being was wound up and annoyed by her stupidity, pretentiousness and her face, something had to be done. My friend as I parted ways as she went off to take photos of the art she couldn't have.

I wandered off in the opposite direction to the edge of the exhibition to allow me good visibility of everyone and I loitered there, half-looking at some squiggly breast “Look at it. Just LOOK at it... Simply mesmerising!” whilst secretly seeing how distracted Die Frau and her foot soldiers were in their conversations. My mind was set to video game mode and I was in Wolfenstein 3D.

In my mind (via

...waiting ...waiting ...waiting ...NOW! Everyone's busy and I make my move. Gliding swiftly over the floor as I had no feet. Die Frau was in my eyesight and only a few footsteps away and foot soldiers were patrolling the area eagerly looking for someone to chat to so they could blow even more steam up their arse. Luckily, I made it to the box where we had returned our art without any hassle.

I put myself in movie mode, deciphering how to get into the main contents of the box and scouring the items in there to find our art, I was now in The Thomas Crown Affair, my search had to be done quickly so security wouldn't notice me and that I was hovering around the box again.

No... Not that kind of hovering (via

...searching ...searching ...searching ...FOUND! I slip out the pieces slowly whilst looking around, everyone is busy except for one security guard that walks behind me, I quickly dart my eyes back to the artwork “Oh yes, this is like a tasty visual orgy on my eyebuds... Simply mesmerising!”

He ignores me and I roll up the artwork carefully and stuff it in my hoodie. I walk casually over to my friend's bag, where I make the drop off.

Mission Complete. I celebrate in my mind like I'm in The Sound of Music.

I float back into the crowd and get engrossed by someone's interpretation of a full stop “Tears. Of. Joy to my soul... Simply Mesmerising!”

We then drove off into the sunset looking this cool (via

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