When Nature Calls | 16th August 2011 | 22:49 PDT

For some odd peculiar reason I felt like I wanted to venture outside in the warm sunshine and go for a stroll. I think this may have had something to do with the fact that it was warm, sunny and it was definitely one of those "have bit of a stroll" kind of days, so what I wanted to accomplish, could be done so with minimal effort, without having to do that bastard sun dance as a warm up.

Before I could go anywhere though, I was a bit parched as the day's warmth had already taken it's fair share of water from me and I was on the verge of this sense of dehydration, I sensibly decided to casually drink 2 litres of water very quickly as I was in a rush to go on this relaxing meandering stroll to nowhere.

This is... Water! - Yes, well done! (via borealwater.com)

Off I popped down to the Coal Harbour to enjoy some of the afternoon people watching, boat lusting, mountain observing, wildlife viewing, art appreciating, building examining, industry scoping, generally just focusing on things.

After looking at Douglas Coupland's Digital Orca on Jack Poole Plaza in wonderment for longer than I probably should have, the water from earlier decided it doesn't like being a prisoner of my body any more and was planning on making its own great escape.

Killer whales popping out from underneath to eat you, soon!

Being an adult and learning how to control such things, I knew I had a reasonable amount of time before I was about to be caught short and become branded as Vancouver's new manchild infamous for my self-washed crotch.

I walk to the Vancouver Convention Centre thinking that being a high traffic zone for people, with an attached hotel and links to the SkyTrain there was bound to be washrooms in there for the liquid-loving general public.

Thankfully there was, tucked away in the farthest corner of the main entrance hall. I enter through the door with the blue sign of a naked human not wearing a skirt into a low lighted long loo with cubicles lining one side, urinals lining the other and... err... that's odd to say the least, very odd if I was to say a little bit more.

I was not alone as there was a figure in the farthest end of the toilet, looking at me, his trousers partially down and he was doing what can only be best described as "be on familiar terms with himself" as he was  "doing a lot of rapid one-arm pull ups" to "warming up the instruments" before "buffing the mahogany" whilst "painting the walls" then serving a "dishonourable discharge" to "go on Peewee's little adventure" or simply having a wanking good masturbation session.

Mahogany... but that's not what I meant (via mahadevwood.tradeindia.com)

My reaction ran away from me, and all I could say at that point (which I personally thought was probably the ideal word to use as it captured the moment perfectly, it was effective, magical and profound) that word was "...huh..."

Regardless of this man, I really needed the loo at that point and it would've been game over for me, if I didn't go there and then so I had no option but to continue as I normally would. Stay calm and carry on and all that.

But thinking this instead (via thetruthaboutcars.com)

The moments that followed are best described as like two ships passing by each other with the radar off and just getting on with our own paths of destiny, I used the facilities how they were intended and he carried on using them imaginatively without a care in the world. I finish and leave in a motionless and orderly manner.

As I had not expected to be greeted by what was displayed on the blue sign, as I passed through the door. I am now filing legal proceedings towards the Vancouver Convention Centre for truthful advertising. I'm going to make sure I take them for all they're worth and bleed that monster down to the bone.

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