The Poetic Gardener | 25th August 2011 | 16:43 PDT

Heading off route from the one I normally take to get to the beach, I stumbled upon this big stone abandoned house surrounded by a fence with a sign saying “Not in use” or something (that's how I knew it was abandoned”. Outside of the fence's boundary was a garden that was strangely “manicured” for such a discarded establishment.

Using my eyes to have a look at the garden curiously, I see the top of someone's back peering over some bushes, looking very busy working on some plants in the middle of the garden. Fair enough that's why the garden appears so kept, some retired lady has been looking after it and being the West End an area full of very prideful and protective busybodies, this would make perfect sense.

This is my pet plant Percy, I like to take him everywhere! (via

Then as I'm walking in parallel to this person, a female sounding noise of loud nonsense fills the air. A lady pops up from behind the bushes, like she was using a mime elevator, she's sitting on her knees and covered in all sorts of shrubbery with flowers in her hair and I'm sure there was a branch hanging from her nose.

But faced (via

She uttered these soft gentle insightful words at anyone who would care to listen to her angelic voice turned up to full volume, “FUCK CUNTY cunt SHIT FUCKY fuck FUCKST FFFFFUUUUU!” and as she was building up tension and suspense for the final unique word that would tie the whole verse together, her head appeared to be overwhelmed from all the weight of these wise words being shared and she plonked backwards as if she had been hit in the head by a large imaginary exercise ball.

She let out a helpful yet disgruntled grunt, to let me know she was alive and that I could move on away as it was the end of the show.

I can only assume she was a method actress preparing an audition for the role of Bill in the new live-action, reboot of 'Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men' where weed is killed weekly by being wrapped up, set alight and inhaled. This will no doubt be popular with the kids of Vancouver.

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