Consequence of Being a Beach Bitch | 1st August 2011 | 23:34 PDT

Today is BC Day, and having no actual plan and being content with just letting it be let – I was half expecting something to come along and disturb this tranquil state of mind I was enjoying and, as soon as I finished that thought, a noise from my phone reverberated through my soul as a text arrived from a friend “I need a beach bitch – you in?” Well, Hell yeah I was in, relaxing is for losers “Hell yeah I'm in” I reply.

Settling down on blankets overlooking a sunny vista. We all got BC flags for BC day which pulled people together like no other flag could ever do and one of the guys there was sharing out large unlabelled green bottles full of mysterious dark liquid, which I think broke more ice than the flag, in reflection.

What BC is all about, only a tree is missing from this picture.

Drinking this liquid, I enquire the guy who handed it to me, what it was “Me and my mates do this meet up every week to make our own beer, one is chef, two help and clean and the other cooks a meal for all of us and it goes on rotation, kind of like a co-op thing” - “Sounds great, what's this one?” - “We've dubbed that one Beerlzebub” - “Oh... lovely” as I sip cautiously.

Suddenly time run away from us and we had another park we had to be at for a BBQ, but damn! We needed to get supplies because turning up to a BBQ empty handed simply makes you the biggest arsehole God ever created, more than Hitler, Stalin and Ghadaffi put together and that's just a fact. So, we race into two stores to aid us in not being hated upon arrival.

First one was a generic chain grocery store, we ran in there and scooping an entire shelf of nonsense into our basket, hoping we'd be lucky enough in our inebriated state that we'd pick up crisps, dips, sweets – we manage to do OK on that front, only accidentally picking up a bucket and spade and 4 boxes of wafers.

"This enough stuff for 5?" - "Hm. Maybe we need a bigger basket" (via

Second store was a liquor store to help us stay in our joyful state and we needed makeshift booze blazers as it would be getting cold later that night, we enter the store and headed over to the wine section before stopping and pondering for many minutes which wine would be best for the situation, we both agreed red would be sensible for the occasion. We discussed in great detail the taste and various tones of Cabernet Sauvignon, Malbec, Merlot, Shiraz, Pinot Noir and Zinfandel and our own personal preferences, I chose a Canadian Malbec And my mate chose a Canadian Merlot As they were both on offer and the cheapest there.

We resumed our previous panic of getting to the park and managed to catch a bus to take us to where we needed to be, great, to the park! Oh, ffffuddlesticks! We haven't got a bottle opener, we thought smart about our plan of attack and decided to aim for the vegetarian restaurants as they're bound to be full of loving and caring stinky hippies. This paid off as the second place we went to, a vegan restaurant, allowed us the use of their corkscrew.

Arriving to the park and were rewarded with a tasty food under an amazing sunset, only  disturbed occasionally by an energetic husky puppy bounding through without a care in the world, which of course was met with the high volume of drunken “Awww, it's a puppy!!”

The reward

After that everything is a bit of haze. I remember we ate some nice smoky cheese and then someone wanted to leave, so we ended up following this bike on an seemingly long and amazing adventure across town, diving in, out and around blocks. I felt as though we had discovered new territories of uncharted Vancouver – not that I actually took any notice, because I was concentrating so hard on the back of this bike leading us, because I was worried if I took my eyes off it, I'd stray away and end up getting lost forever, that resulted in missing all the urban scenery.

If you lose sight of this, you will die. (via

We got to this door behind a wooden fence that lead to a small underground wooden cabin and we sit at this high table and order drinks, I don't drink it nor join in the conversation as I was too consumed with the bar and what's going on around me. I felt I'd seen this place before though, then it hit me and I got scared, I feared I was on the set of Due South and a Mountie with a Chicago cop was going to come after me for my box of wafers, I needed to leave, sneakily escaping the set through security in plain clothes, I reach the outside and hail a cab. I tell the driver to “Step on it!” - “Why?” – “They're after me!” - “Who?” - “A Mountie... Underground wood... Just the wafers, man! Gooo!” - “Where?” - Home!”

These are the evil guys after my wafers! (via

I arose the next morning and was met with the slapped face of bemusement and had no hangover, I did a little dance and waited my next beach bitch text message to come through.

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