Chessing BBQs | 26th August 2011 | 23:34 PDT

Summer was late arriving here in Vancouver by about a month or so and as a result, the male population has have this pressure building up inside of them for longer than they're used to. The pressure is that desire to want to heat meat outside, often referred to as a BBQ. It's not unusual to walk around and spot a male man, looking out the window peering towards the sky flipping imaginary burgers on their imaginary spatula whilst drooling with anticipation for the sun to show its face.

Since the first sunny weekend the smell of cooking beef and sausages has filled the air and if you listen carefully, distant content grunts can be heard as another man starts a fire and throws a slab of dead cow on it.

Yummy! Smells like death (via

I have attended more BBQs recently than ever in the history of me, and being subjected to such a high concentration of them, you start noticing a trend and hierarchy when people gather to eat heated meat and drink cold liquid bread.

supplies the cooking, because raw meat doesn't taste great – These burger kings are the party and why everyone is attending.

supplies the BBQ and location – if different from the cook, they open up their house and grounds in which to party, but as they are not cooking at the BBQ, they get moved down one rank.

supplies the meat (if not done by host) or beer, but they have to bring enough to share around to earn this status, otherwise it goes to the nearest pet to the party, for supplying the entertainment “Aww, shark!”

bring the standard sharing foodstuffs you get at parties, things like crisps, dips, condiments, sausage rolls – these foods can't be good for you, because general party food that everyone likes, is never good for you.

Relax, your heart will give in soon (via

brings the dessert, a tough one as it's something that people often forget but when it comes to it people don't normally want it after consumption of the warm food, BUT and this is why it's highly ranked due to the gamble you take, when people are in the mood for a desserts (normally a small sweet thing) – it's brings nothing but unconfined joy.

bring the odd stuff, that tend to be an unusual success, and weirdly enough often healthy, things like carrots, grapes and cherry tomatoes. People keep picking at this stuff because it's no bad for them so guilt-free eating essentially – people who bring their own personal supply of meat are also in this category

bring their own personal stack of beers, and/or beige 70s party food that never gets eaten because you can feel the chemicals of this budget foodstuffs changing your DNA.

bring fuck all or quiche and all they're really good for is tarring and feathering at the BBQ gates.

If you attend a BBQ, like I was at recently, where absolute everything is provided and cooked for you, and only your company is required then your host/cook are demi-god(s) and you are all dirty untouchable peasants – no amount of gifts to the god can ever get you promoted up the ranks and you'll always be their bitch but then, it's the least you can be for a night's free feeding.

1 comment:

seth macbeth said...

a castle is called a rook my friend. does this make me queen? mine had a pool!