Friendly, but Useless | 23rd August 2011 | 15:10 PDT

I'm ill, have been for a few weeks now, my throat if you must know, not that I'd get any sympathy from you as you're idly reading this, just going "Oh bloody hell, shut up about your illness already, just tell me about Canada quickly and get better in your own time without bothering us good people, dick." or words to that effect.

Tell Tiny Timberly I won't be coming home this Christmas *cough* *cough* (via

Well, ha-ha-ha! Canada is known for having a really rather good healthcare system and me feeling under-par is a great way to put the former to the test using the latter and as I'm not overly interested in actually paying any money towards my well-being and good health, so I decide to visit the free health clinic.

I enter the tiny hospital looking lost until I notice the reception and I instantly know that's where I should head. I talk to the incredibly friendly receptionist to sign my life away and go sit in the waiting area next to a statue of some legs with a pile of condoms thrown on top of them.

Looking around at all the other sick people, there's an obvious aura of illness that hovers around them, but this being a youth clinic there's a smattering of guilt and regret, now I can only assume that everyone here has a few STDs floating around their system and I made them feel at ease by sitting as far away as possible and staring at them as I made my aforementioned judgements. I had a weird temptation to sing to them, the finale of Lease from Team America... I didn't

"What's wrong with me Doc?"  -  "That awful dress you're wearing."  (via

I get dog bored of them and go back to staring at the Mt Condom next to me and ponder how many of them would be required to make a decent scarf for winter but that was interrupted by the doctor calling me in. Finally, I've been waiting all of 10 minutes!

After the usual pleasantries with my incredibly friendly doctor, she asked me that inevitable cliché 'getting-to-know-you' question "What appears to be the problem?"
"My throat hurts, feels like a virus or something" and I go on to explain the symptoms.
"OK, let us have a look there shall we? ..." and she takes me temperature, prods my throat and looks down my gob with portable lighthouse gadget thing. "... Yes, you appear to have a bacterial infection of the larynx"
  -  I'm pretty sure I just told you that but in sans-thesaurus terms
"Any ideas what the infection/problem could be?"
"I don't know"
"It might just go away, you could try swallowing less"
  -  Great, sterling advice, thanks for that.
"Problem is I've had it for a while and it's not gone yet, in fact it has probably got worse"
"Ah, well you have two options, you can pay for a throat swab to be done, but you'll have to deliver it to the lab yourself, on the other side of the town or I can prescribe you some medication.”
“Hmm. I think I will take the meds and see if that works”

Take one an hour for the rest of your life and you SHOULD be fine (via

In all I was really impressed by them but it was also frustrating, but to actually hate them would be impossible as it was free and everyone there was incredibly friendly, though they were probably so friendly towards me, as I made a nice change from the bombardment of of infected penises the doctor must have to deal with on a daily basis.

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