It's raining and there's only so long I can spend in a coffee shop looking at it, before the staff roundhouse kicks me in the face for not injecting enough caffeine into my eyes, and there's only so long I can put caffeine in my system without food to absorb it with, if it doesn't get absorbed all sorts of crazy shit will happen and I'll wake up in a ditch in Whistler wearing a wolf's head for a mask and a banjo duct taped to my chest.
My substance of choice to keep me on the straight and narrow are cereal bars, but they're expensive here, probably, and I'm feeling “adventurous” so, I thought how hard can it be? I heading to the cheapest store I can find and I pur-chase a bunch of food stuffs that seem to make sense in order for me to accomplish such a task, roughly measuring out what looks better than the rest, I end up with this:
Granola: about three mugs
- this type had been made with brown sugar, honey, almonds and raisins with in it
Raisins: about three quarters of a mug
- because the granola didn’t have that many raisin in it.
Dried fruit mix: about one quarter of a mug
- included cherries, cranberries, sultanas and a dry sense of humour.
Extra fine granulated sugar: about three quarters of a mug
- wanted to use raw brown sugar, but was too expensive and pretentious.
Crunchy peanut butter: about half a mug
- I used Kraft’s because it’s horrible on bread and needed to be used up in this shit.
Honey: about half a mug
- Cheapest I could find, was shaped like a bear, I smiled.
So essentially, sugar, sugar, sugar, fruit, fruit, granola.
|Brewing puke, yummy!|
- Throwing the sticky stuff together, the honey, peanut butter and sugar into a pan, I constantly stir it until it melts down into something that resembles peanut butter puke and starts to bubble and boil as it slowly sticks to the pan.
- I threw this vile looking brown shit all over the granola, raisins and fruit, because I wanted to put them together.
- I mix everything together to cover the sugar puke all over the healthy crap, by putting in some good ol’ fashioned elbow grease (not an additional ingredient, it's not like I smoothied my elbow using a cheese grater and blender to add some “extra flavour”)
- I beautifully poured it out into a baking tray, well it more like, it flumped out like some fat person sliding off a high chair where their belly reaches the ground before the rest of them.
- This was all thrown into in the fridge for a few hours to set, solidify and bond the whole shi-bang.
- After that, take it out the fridge and store it in a cool dry place so when you come to cutting it into squares, you're not having to get the chainsaw out and when you come to eat it, it's not like grinding through rock with your teeth.
|About to make this diarrhoea a bit lumpier|
And once you're done with all that bullshit, go to the shops and buy some decent cereal bars you tight walleted dickhead and while you're there get some decent peanut butter and a spoon – probably a lot tastier than this crap.
|No longer a liquid pukey diarrhoea paste, but an actual bar (of pukey diarrhoea)|
Well no, actually! They come out perfectly (for me) – chewy, with a satisfying bite, it’s not outrageously sweet (surprisingly), the sweetness mainly comes from the dried fruit so it feels healthy and has a subtle flavour of peanut butter.
Now, go make my pretties!