Pledging my Allegiance | 8th May 2011 | 16:59 PDT

After my gang run-in yesterday, it got me and my brain thinking, what gang should I join.

There are a few local gangs I have near me with communtible distance, because I feel it's important to show face when meeting new people and if I plan to run around the city doing my new vocation of drug trafficking, robbery, extortion, murder, burglary and identification theft or perhaps just relaxing on the stoop playing some really loud aggressive music, I need it to be convenient to me.

Unfortunately being LA and without a top-of-the-range whip, a commute on public transit would be in order to find my fellow homies and perhaps a fair old walk if they're situated quite far from the metro routes and as Los Angeles has around 200 gangs, I may need to compare them all, I wonder if there's a site for that, perhaps that Meercat chap from UK TV commercials can set up a gang-bang subsidiary to help people such as myself.

A healthy gang, is a happy gang

The initiation process for all these seems a tad over the top as well, in order to be "in a gang" I have to get beaten up by my new friends to see whether I'd be allowed to hang out on street corners with them, I feel a different approach should be adopted and instead I can do a Starbucks run, perhaps stop off at Taco Bell as nutrition is key for keeping your stamina up for long nights of firing guns and running around, being fairly intelligent, I can remember 20 items at a time. Who wouldn't want a valuable asset like that at their disposal?

With this in mind I have 4 options for finding friends that operate underneath the law, Santa Monica's, Venice's or Culver City's - Gangs here all end in the number 13 which relates to that they only work in southern California as the northern Californian gangs use 14.

Santa Monica
Are you "friend"? (via

Not much is known about this gang.
But they were started back in 1920, so they have a really good heritage. They're located only a 30 minute walk from me, which is a great location and good way to keep fit outside of gang-banging and a big plus is they're situated right outside a college so I know as I cause terror, I can nip away for a few hours a learn some valuable life skills.

Hey you hip cats! Who wants to build a sand dolphin today? (via

Starting out in the 1950s, heritage isn't their strong point but these guys also have sub-categories of friends, giving myself a wider range of friends to choose from as I strut  down the road without my top on
Again with the location being what it is, it's right by the beach! That means what I lack in education from Santa Monica I can make up with muscle beach, a host of shops, broadwalk entertainment and with the transient nature of this tourist spot, I'll get to meet lots of people outside of my circle and if I choose, surfing and building sand castles is also an option. Nothing gets more dangerously fun than that!

Culver City
How are your tomatoes doing this year? Mine have all caught blight - sad face :( (via

The furthest away at a good 45 minute bus ride, they're located near Mar Vista Gardens, so I can only assume we grow vegetables and produce to sell at the local markets in order to raise cash for our other projects like firebombing shops.
This gang started in 1960, no heritage there at all, but they are the biggest and most active - so obviously quite fashionable at the moment, perhaps I can help initiation by supplying them all with Louis Vuitton bags for their bandanas and automatic weapons, stylish and practical.
The only pull this place has other than the appeal of a small holding would be that Sony Entertainment and EA are located in Culver City so, where I lack in entertainment and education with the other two, I can make up by working at decent respectful companies to make a living, and I can also get those guys free video games, who wouldn't want that?

Start my own?!
I will yoga you within an inch of you life, you fuckers! (via

Obviously located in Santa Monica and start up in 2011, very near to me but no history but I'd recruit people using eHarmony as I'd want to gang-bang with people I get along with. and we'd call ourselves Santa Monica SF 13 (SF for Super-Friendly)
To stand out and be feared we'd would wear all in one tracksuit outfits in a nice loud colour
We would invade people's personal space by offering free hugs to all (with consent)
We'd break and enter wherever we'd like and do good and repair things.
We'd keep fit for mischief by running on the beach every morning.
Our local hang out would be Starbucks and have coffee hour where we try out each other's favourite coffee and give feedback on it.
Our extortion would be through arts and crafts and make sure people take them for a donation that would go towards a dog charity.
Every Sunday we'd relax with loud aggressive Jazz and have a picnic in the park with families and friends, bitch!

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